


I need the sun to break, you've woken up my heart

by anchortied



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No One Direction, Aromantic Asexual Niall, Astronomy, Cussing, Highschool Flashbacks, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Nerd Harry Styles, Photography, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-28 16:46:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13275678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anchortied/pseuds/anchortied
Summary: Harry doesn’t really expect to have anyone to kiss on New Year’s. He hasn’t had a boyfriend in years and the only single person he knows at Niall’s party is that awful guy, Louis, that used to pick on him in high school because he was a little nerdy. So, at midnight, when Louis comes up out of nowhere and gives Harry a drunken snog, declaring that he’s wanted to do that for years, of course, this is something that Harry must get to the bottom of. Cue drunken confessions and a budding friendship that Harry may be hoping will lead to something more.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FallingLikeThis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallingLikeThis/gifts).



> Hello! So I just wanted to say thank you to FallingLikeThis for their amazing and creative prompts. It was really hard to choose only one of them, but I ended up this choosing this one, with a few changes and adjustments. I had so much fun writing this fic, so thank you again!  
> Anyway, thank you so much for reading and I hope you like ! If you do please let me know!

_ Tap Tap Tap _

The leaky faucet was in time with Harry’s foot. He sat at his lonely, sad table in his lonely sad kitchen with his head in his hands, his foot tapping against the hardwood, and Niall’s text open on his phone. The bright screen illuminated the whole kitchen, with it’s shiny floors, long rows of cabinets and various expensive kitchen appliances that had never been used.

The phone chimed again and Harry looked up, dragging his fingers across his face. He read the most recent text from Niall before rereading the ones before it, his forehead scrunching up.

_ Hey Harry, how ya been? I heard you were back in town, just in time for the holidays! I’m having a party at mine for New Years, a bunch of old friends from high school will be there.  _

And the next one, because Niall seemed to realize he hadn’t formally asked Harry to come to his party:

_ You’ll be there, right? It’ll be good to catch up! Haven’t seen you in ages. Promise you won’t be the only single person there xx ;) _

And then, as if that text wasn't bad enough, the last one:

_ Not saying that to be rude of course! Your mum just mentioned you were single and I thought I would add that. Yeah. See you there!!! _

All of these messages were sent within seconds of each other.

“He’s been talking to my mum,” Harry groaned, burying his face in his hands once more. The dry wall, whom of which Harry had been speaking to, said nothing. 

Suddenly, the phone dinged again.

_ Louis is gonna be there, he’s been asking about you. _

Harry fumbled with the phone, wincing as it smacked against the hardwood floor. Instead of bending down to pick it up, Harry stared at it, the words swimming before his eyes, his heart racing.

“Louis is coming,” Harry said out loud, his eyes wide. 

Suddenly, there were flashes in Harry’s mind, lighting quick, of Louis and of high school and Harry couldn’t breath.

Bending down, Harry snatched his phone from the floor.  He finally replied to Niall, his fingers shaking. He said only two words:

_ Louis Tomlinson? _

Niall replied in lightning speed:

_ Yeah!! He’s been wondering how you were, said he saw some of your pictures in National Geographic. Cool, right? _

Harry’s cheeks caught on fire, his ears turning a matching shade of red, and as he typed back his response, he tried to ignore it:

_ I’ll be there. _

Harry sighed as he sent it, shaking his head slightly. Once again, Harry’s phone lit up from one last message from Niall:

_ Awesome!! Super glad!! I’ll see you then!! _

Harry typed something back, something about being excited as well, something he was sure was polite and held all the appropriate levels of excitement. At least, that’s what he hoped, because  he wasn’t actually paying attention. After locking his phone, Harry got up, running a hand through his hair, his other reaching to turn off the lights in the kitchen.

Harry trudged up the stairs, his head shaking. 

“Louis Tomlinson,” Harry said aloud, and suddenly, a memory came to him. It was one he had forgotten, or rather, one he had purposely forced down, back into the recesses of his mind, back where he had hoped he’d never need to call it forth again. 

 

_ Harry walked the halls of his old highschool with his head down and his books clutched to his chest. He stared sullenly at the sneakers of those around him, focusing hard on their laces and colors and designs. He noticed if anyone had  a limp or a gait, he saw who was in synch and who wasn’t, he was the first to know if anyone tripped on their own feet. He concentrated hard, trying to blend, trying to merge.  _

_ Either he wasn’t concentrating hard enough, or it was simply impossible to disappear completely, because as quick as a blink, Louis Tomlinson was at his side. _

_ “Hello there, Harry,” He said pleasantly, reaching for Harry’s books.  _

_ Harry sighed, releasing his hold, feeling a small blush creeping up his neck.  _

_ “Louis, what are you doing?” Harry asked, eyeing the older boy with trepidation. _

_ “Carrying your books for you,” Louis said, matter-of-factly.  _

_ Harry huffed out a breath, the tiny curls that had fallen in front of his eyes jumping.  _

_ Louis laughed, sweetly. “Cute,” He said, reaching up and gently tugging on one of the strands.  _

_ “Stop it,” Harry said, drawing back. _

_ Louis pulled his hand away, an apologetic look on his face. Harry’s cheeks warmed again and he shrugged.  _

_ “I mean, it wasn’t that big of a deal.”  _

_ Louis smiled, but kept his hand away. He looked down at the books, his eyebrows raising.  _

_ “Are these about astronomy?”  _

_ “Yes.” _

_ “You like astronomy?” _

_ “Yes.” _

_ “You’re a real talker, aren’t you?” _

_ Harry frowned, “Well-” _

_ “I’m kidding, Harry,” Louis said, smiling. He started flipping through one of the books, the other two under his arms. Harry glanced at him every few seconds, mostly keeping his eyes forward, watching so neither he nor Louis ran into someone else, but when he looked at Louis he wanted to smile. _

_ “This is very interesting,” Louis said, his eyes scanning the page. _

_ “Yeah, I think so too,” Harry said, perking up. “There’s an astronomy club, you know.” _

_ “Really?” Louis said, looking up. He seemed interested enough, so Harry continued.  _

_ “Yes, you should come to a meeting. They’re usually very interesting, as long as Niall doesn’t try to take control.”  _

_ Louis chuckled, slowing. “Maybe I will,” he said, handing back the books. _

_ Harry nodded, giving him a small smile. Then Louis turned, shuffling into his classroom, calling over his shoulder, “See you around, Harry.” _

 

Harry shook his head, his grip tight on the banister. He pushed the memory back again, pushed away the sweetness of Louis’ smile and the feel of his heart in his chest when Louis’ showed interest in his favorite subject. He pushed it all back until he could swallow again, and then he continued up the stairs to his bedroom, shrugging off his clothes as he did so. Then he took a shower, trying to wash away the goodness of that one memory, knowing if he held on to it, he’d fall again, he’d fall so hard it would hurt, probably more than it did the first time.

 

Niall called Harry when he was shopping for his Christmas present, albeit three days late. As he strolled through the world travel section of his favorite book store, his phone started ringing in his pocket, it’s shrill noise causing a cranky old woman to scowl at him. 

Harry resisted the urge to roll his eyes at her and brought the phone up to his ear, “Hello?” 

“Harry, it’s good to hear your voice! How are ya?” 

Harry smiled, laughing slightly. “Hey Niall, I’m fine, how are you? How were the holidays?”

“They were great, got to see everyone from home, which isn’t something I’m used to. How bout you?”

Harry reached for what looked like a very good book on the history of beer and brewing and said, “It was fine, the same old crowd.” 

Niall laughed. “That’s good to hear. Listen, I’m really glad you’re coming to my party. Everyone’s been asking about you.”

_ I’m sure they have _ , Harry thought,  _ shy, nerdy little Harry went and traveled the world. Who would have guessed? _

“They have?” Harry asked, deciding on the beer book, knowing Niall didn’t usually read, but hoping the word ‘beer’ in the title might entice him to. 

“Of course! Everyone over here is really surprised, I guess nobody knew you could take pictures.”

“Everyone can take pictures, Niall.”

“Yeah, but you take good ones.” Niall said, laughing. 

“I don’t know about that-” Harry said and as he passed the magazine section, his eye caught one near the front, one whose front cover held a rather nice range of blue hues, the center of it a little too far for Harry to completely make out- but he knew what it was, nonetheless. He took the picture, after all.

“If your pictures are making their way to the cover of the National Geographic, then I think they’re good.”

“Good point,” Harry laughed, turning away from the magazine section. “So, is everyone from home going to your party? Like a highschool reunion?”

“Well, not  _ everyone _ , but pretty close. I invited as many as I could. Most of ‘em had to get babysitters, which, to be honest Harry is kinda messin’ with my head.”

“Yeah, that’s really weird to think about.”

Harry reached the checkout counter and smiled at the clerk, handing her the book. As she rung it up Harry listened to Niall talk, letting him run his mouth a little, and finally thanked the clerk as she handed him his bag.

“-and I asked them if they were going to have any more and they said ‘maybe’. They said ‘maybe’ Harry can you believe that? They’re already got three little demons running around and now they want another?”

“Wild,” Harry said, unlocking his car, tossing the bag in the passenger seat. “Listen Niall, I’m about to start driving so I’ll talk to you later.”

“Sounds good,” Niall said and Harry could hear his smile through the phone. “I'll see you at the party!”

Harry hung up and tossed his phone into the passenger seat. It landed on the bookstore bag creating a crinkling sound that gave Harry the shivers. He started up the car and pulled out of the car park, his mind running with thoughts of who would be attending Niall’s party. 

 

When Harry got home he shrugged off his coat, letting it fall on the floor. It made his house look more lived in when he did that so he made sure not to buy a coat rack or make use of the nice little closet right next to the door, if only to maintain that fake feeling of home, the one he hadn’t truly felt in six years or so. He walked through the house, flicking on lights as he went, his fingers brushing along the white walls, not really caring if he left marks.

When he reached the dining room he stopped, staring. It was a nice room that held a dining table and chairs that matched. There was a large, crystal chandelier hanging from the ceiling, twinkling when it caught the light. The table could fit twelve people. Harry didn’t even know five. 

Sighing, Harry turned the light off and walked down the hall to his office. He pushed the door open and walked to the closet, reaching for the box of momentos he kept on the top shelf. Grunting slightly, Harry brought down the rather large box and dropped it on the small loveseat he kept by the window. He started ruffling through it, his forehead creased.

“Here it is…” He murmured, drawing out his senior yearbook.

Slowly sitting down, Harry started thumbing through the pages, his eyes searching. When he didn’t find anything on the first few pages he skipped to the back where the signatures were more in number and slightly longer than those in the beginning. 

“There,” He said, eyes eyes on the small little smiley face at the bottom. Above it were only a few words, and as he read them, he became lost in a memory.

 

_ Harry signed his name with a small flourish, reading over what he had written with a smile. He handed it back to Niall, beaming. “Here you go, Nialler.” _

_ Niall took it with a matching smile, immediately flipping it back open to read what Harry had written. Harry waited as he did so, glancing around the room. It was the end of the year, Harry’s last year at his high school. After tomorrow Harry would be a high school graduate, and come September he would officially be a college student, far from this town and this life. He could hardly wait. _

_ Everyone else were signing yearbooks as well, or if they werent they were sitting around, chatting, their legs shaking, impatient for their last day to be over.  _

_ Someone tapped Harry on the shoulder. He turned, his eyes widening when he saw Louis. His heart rate immediately picked up, but he refused to show Louis that he gave him any type of reaction, so he just stared at him warily. _

_ Louis, who looked only slightly abashed, held out his hands. “Can I sign your yearbook?” _

_ Harry stared up at him, his mouth slightly open, the word ‘no’ on the tip of his tongue, when suddenly his yearbook was being passed to Louis over his shoulder. _

_ “Here ya go,” Niall said, flashing Harry a warning look. _

_ “Thanks, mate.” Louis said, smiling. He looked at Harry again. “I can sign it, right?” _

_ A small kick at the back of Harry’s heel made him say, “Sure.” _

_ Louis beamed and brought out a pen from his pocket. He sank into the seat beside Harry, the cuff of his jacket rubbing Harry’s arm slightly. Harry tried not to notice it. He just looked at Louis curiously, if not a little suspiciously.  _

_ “Relax,” Niall said, under his breath. _

_ “Shut up,” Harry said back. _

_ “What?” Louis asked, looking up. _

_ “Nothing,” Harry said, smiling slightly. Louis shrugged and went back to writing. _

_ “He’s not going to write anything bad,” Niall said in Harry’s ear. _

_ Harry gave him a look that said,  _ You don’t know that.

_ Niall chuckled and knocked Harry on the shoulder before looking back down at his yearbook to read the rest of Harry’s note. He made little ‘aw’ and ‘ooo’ noises every few seconds, which made Harry want to kick him, but when he was done he looked up, endeared. _

_ “That was real sweet, Harry.” _

_ Harry shrugged. “So was yours.” _

_ “Done,” Louis suddenly said, handing it back to Harry. Harry took it, ready offer to sign Louis’ too, but before he could Louis was already walking away, twirling his pen between his fingers. _

_ “Let me see,” Niall immediately said, snatching the book from Harry’s hands. _

_ “Hey!” Harry said, but made no move to take it back. _

_ Niall opened the yearbook and found the page with Louis’ signature. His eyebrows shot up when he saw it, his mouth moving as he read the words. Harry expected him to take a moment to read it, but before he knew it Niall was passing him the book, a frown on his face. _

_ “What?” Harry asked, taking the book. _

_ “Odd,” was all Niall said. _

_ Harry looked down, and when he saw what Louis wrote, he made a small huff of confusion: _

Keep in touch, Louis xx :)

_ “What does that even mean? And why did he take so long just to write that?” Harry asked, turning to Niall. _

_ “I don’t know, he wants you to keep in touch? And he wanted to be dramatic about it?” Niall asked, shrugging slightly. _

_ “Oh come on,” Harry said, shutting the yearbook with a snap. “He’s mean to me all year, makes fun of my interests and calls me ‘nerdy’ to make his friends laugh, but now he wants me to keep in touch?” As Harry said all of this, he was hit the memory of Louis, a few weeks earlier, catching up with him to carry his books and talk about Astronomy. He shook his head, shook away the memory. That memory was a lie. _

_ “You know my opinion on this.” _

_ Harry snorted. “Right. You think Louis likes me.” _

_ “Well, what else could it be?” Niall asked. He sounded like he really didn't think there could be another explanation.  _

_ “He could just be an asshole,” Harry said, cringing slightly. _

_ “See, you don’t even believe that,” Niall said. “He’s just confused, he doesn’t know how to deal with those feelings.” _

_ “How much are you charging me for this session, Dr. Horan?” _

_ Niall laughed and slapped Harry on the back. “If you really want to know what I think, I think he wants you to keep in touch.”  _

_ Suddenly, the bell rang, signaling the end of the day and, the end of Harry’s highschool career. Harry watched as everyone cheered, listened as the chairs scraped against the linoleum, sneakers squeaking as everyone made their way to the door, their voices loud and excited. Harry waited for everyone to leave first, wanting to avoid the mass of people trying to leave the campus, Niall at his side, beaming brightly.  _

_ Louis Tomlinson was almost out the door before he turned back and smiled at Harry, his hand up in a wave. Harry waved back, his neck burning. _

_ “See,” Niall said. _

 

“Shut up,” Harry said to no one, snapping the book shut. He looked around the room, at the large desk with an equally large computer sitting nicely on top. He looked at the camera that was hooked up the computer, and then out the window, where the sun was setting, purple and pink and orange swirling around the horizon. With a sigh he got up, tossing the yearbook back into the box. He left it there, left the office as it was, shutting the door with a small click and a sigh. 

His mother, Anne, called him the next morning to see what his plans were for the New Years.

“Oh!” She said, sounding genuinely surprised. “That’s sounds like so much fun, I’m so glad you’re going!”

“You sound surprised,” Harry said, trying to make his voice light.

“Well, Harry, I am surprised. You don’t do these things very often.”

“That’s true,” Harry said, emptying the cold tea from his mug into the sink. “I don’t like people very much.”

“Oh, don’t say that Harry. You’re just particular, that’s all.”

“Particular?”

“Yes, you’re very choosy when it comes to your friends. Do you remember how long it took you to warm up to Niall?”

Harry chuckled, his feet making sticking sounds as he walked across the hardwood. “Took a few weeks, didn’t it?”

“It took two months Harry, and that was how long it took you to make direct eye contact for more than a few seconds.”

Harry laughed as he sank into the chair next to the fire. “That sounds like an overstatement.”

“It might be,” Anne said, and Harry could tell she was grinning. “Do you know who’s going to this party?”

“Niall said he invited almost everyone from high school.”

“Including Louis Tomlinson?”

Harry sighed. “If I could just go one day without hearing that name-”

“Oh please,” Anne said, cutting him off. “The last time  _ I _ said his name was when you were in high school, which was around six years ago. I think I’m overdue.”

“I was kidding, mum, it’s not that big of a deal,” Harry said, knowing he wasn’t kidding while also knowing his mother knew he wasn’t kidding. 

“I know it’s not,” Anne said with a slightly dramatic huff. Harry resisted the urge to roll his eyes as she continued, “So he is going?”

Harry paused, his fingers playing idly with a loose thread in his sweater. “Yeah, Niall said he’s going.” 

“Are you going to talk to him?” She asked.

“I’m not sure.”

“I think you should.”

“Niall thinks I should too.”

“Well, Niall has always had his priorities straight.” 

Harry suddenly pictured the time when Niall ran down the street, in the middle of winter, wearing nothing but socks and singing Christmas Carols for all the neighbors to hear. He smiled, remembering the amount of alcohol Niall had consumed that night to make such a spectacle possible.

Smirking, Harry said, “You’ve got a good point.”

“Mum’s always do. Well, I’ve got to go Harry, I’ll talk to you soon. Have fun at that party!” 

“I will mum, love you.”

“I love you too, Harry. Say hi to Louis for me.”

Before Harry had a chance to say that he wasn’t even sure if he would say hello to Louis himself, his mother had hung up with a click. With a sigh, Harry rose from his chair by the fire, one of his hands running through his short hair. 

Harry knew his mum didn’t understand. He knew he hadn’t always been honest with her about Louis, nor about how he treated Harry with his friends around. The only part of Louis Tomlinson she knew was what she had guessed at, and most of that wasn’t even true, as least that was what Harry thought. She’d really only ever met him once as well, and it hadn’t been the type of meeting that shows someone someone else’s true character.

 

_ Harry felt their presence before he saw them. He had a sort of sixth sense about things like these. He could always tell when someone was about to have a go at his self esteem, which is why, usually, he made an effort to avoid it. _

_ As Harry walked out of the third stall in the first floor boy’s bathroom, Harry’s neck started to tingle, and he had the sudden urge to  _ escape _ , however when he turned for the door, he saw it blocked. _

_ Quickly, Harry turned toward the sinks, letting cold water run through his fingers. He made a show of washing his hands, hoping that the two boys standing guard by the door were just hanging out and would be gone by the time he was done washing his hands. _

_ When he turned away from the sinks, drying his hands on his pants, he saw his hopes had been wrong. They were still there, and they were staring at him. _

_ Feeling sick, Harry took a few steps toward the door, praying they’d let him pass. _

_ “Look, it’s little Harry,” one of them said, destroying the last little grain of hope Harry had been holding on to. It took a moment for Harry to call up his name, but then Harry knew. It was Jordan Page, one of the boys who copied off his homework in Spanish. _

_ “What a good little boy he is, washing his hands. I bet his mum would be proud,” the other one said, and his name came a little easier. It was Stan, one of Louis’ best friends. Harry knew his face well.  _

_ “Why wouldn’t I wash my hands?” Harry said, genuinely disgusted at the idea that they wouldn’t.  _

_ “Only annoying little shits wash their hands,” Jordan said. _

_ “Yeah,” Stan said, adding an incredible amount of depth to the conversation.  _

_ “Incredible!” A voice exclaimed from the stall in the corner. Harry turned, his heart dropping when he saw Louis Tomlinson stroll out of the stall. He held his hands out in front of him, his face scrunched up in disgust. _

_ “What’s incredible?” Stan asked, his tone drastically warmer than it had been a few seconds ago.  _

_ “Well, it’s just that I’m surprised. And, to be honest, a little disappointed. I never wanted to be a little shit before.” With a flourish Louis turned on the tap, humming slightly under his breath. As he washed his hands he looked at Harry and winked. Harry felt his ears turn red. _

_ “Well, you’re not a little shit, Louis,” Stan said, and, as he said it, seemed to realize how stupid he sounded while saying it. “We were just talking to Harry and-” _

_ “Oh yeah, hello little Harry, how are you doing?” _

_ “Don’t call me that.” _

_ “Good to hear. Hey Stan, don’t you have a tutoring session to attend?” Louis asked, drying his hands on his pants. _

_ “Uh yeah, I guess, but Louis-” _

_ “I think I heard your girlfriend was looking for you, Jordan,” Louis said. _

_ Harry looked at Louis, the blush creeping up around his ears to spread to his cheeks. Louis, feeling his stare, looked back, smiling a small, crooked smile. Feeling self conscious, Harry crossed his arms over his chest and looked away, resisting the urge to run his hands through his hair.  _

_ “Oh shit, she’s probably mad I missed lunch. I had to stay in to finish my Spanish assignment,” Jordan said, looking anxious. “I’ll see you guys later. Be ready for next weeks test, little Harry.” _

_ Harry rolled his eyes as Jordan rushed out, his phone already at his ear. _

_ “What an idiot,” Stan said.  _

_ “He’s of his own breed,” Louis agreed, moving forward to stand next to Harry. Harry tried not to squirm. “So, do those tutors still charge you, even when you’re not there?” _

_ “Oh shit,” Stan said and left in the same way as Jordan, one moment there, and the next, the space in the doorway was empty.  _

_ “He’s also an idiot,” Louis said, rolling his eyes.  _

_ “Sure is,” Harry said, stuffing his hands in his pockets. _

_ Louis laughed, looking pleased. “After you, Hazza.” _

_ Harry made a face as he passed Louis, speaking over his shoulder. “Hazza?” _

_ Louis laughed again, and as they emerged from the boys bathroom, dazzling sunlight making them squint, Harry was glad Louis couldn’t see the smile his laugh caused.  _

_ “I don’t know, it’s better than ‘little Harry’ isn’t it?”  _

_ “Can’t you just call me by my real name?”  _

_ “Where’s the fun in that?” Louis asked, a gleam in his eye. He fell into step beside Harry, his arms swinging at his sides.  _

_ Harry sighed, but smiled nonetheless. He let Louis walk with him through the doors of the school, let him walk with him down to the corner where his mum picked him up, all the while wondering why he was.  _

_ When he looked over at Louis, he saw he was smiling and looked happy, but there was something in his eye, something determined, something Harry couldn’t understand.  _

_ They made it to the corner, and Harry saw his mum was already there, waiting for him. When she saw him she smiled, but then her eyes slid over to the boy walking next to him, and her smiled faltered. _

_ She rolled down the window of her car and said, “Hello Harry, who is this?” _

So she’s getting right to it _ , Harry thought. _

_ “Hi mum, this is Louis. Louis this is my mum, Anne.” Harry, gesturing.  _

_ Anne’s eyes widened for a fraction of a second before she said, “Louis, it’s nice to meet you. I’ve heard about you.” _

_ Harry noticed she didn’t say whether it was good or bad, just let it hang there for Louis to wonder what Harry had said about him. Harry knew it wasn’t good, and he hoped Louis knew it wasn’t good too, because he was not ready to have that conversation with him. _

_ “It’s good to meet you too,” Louis said, smiling. “I’m sure none of its good.” _

_ Harry blanched, shaking his head slightly at his mother.  _

_ Predictably, she ignored him. “Well, no, not really.” _

_ “That’s understandable, actually,” Louis said, smiling a tight lipped smile. “Well, I’ve got to go. It was nice meeting you, bye Harry.” _

_ “Bye,” Harry said, raising one of his in half hearted wave. He shuffled over to the passenger side of the car and got in, stuffing his bag at his feet, his face a whole mess of red.  _

_ Anne started up the car silently, a frown on her face. “He doesn’t seem mean.”  _

_ Harry snorted. “What?” _

_ “Well it’s just that he doesn’t seem very mean, Harry.” _

_ “Well he hasn’t been...lately.” Harry said, staring out the window. _

_ Anne made a humming noise, her lips pressed together tightly. Harry glanced at her, feeling his shackles rise with increasing speed. _

_ “What?” _

_ “I think he likes you.” _

_ “What!” Harry exclaimed, jumping slightly. He looked at his mother with wide, incredulous eyes.  “What are you talking about?” _

_ “You heard me.” Anne said, turning down their street.  _

_ “Yes, I heard you. I was asking for clarification.” _

_ Anne laughed. “Harry, it’s not a big deal. I just think he likes you back.” _

_ “ _ Back? _ ” Harry said, and Anne laughed larder. “What do you mean, ‘back’?” _

_ “Harry, come on,” Anne said as they pulled into their drive, turning the car off with a twist of the key.  _

_ “You come on,” Harry said as he followed her into the house. “I don’t like him.” _

_ Anne continued to laugh as she walked through the house, and Harry followed her, sputtering and trying to convince her of what he knew wasn’t true. _

 

“It isn’t,” Harry said. “It wasn’t.” 

He looked at the dying fire, at the guttering flames and burnt out embers, feeling a sort of kinship with the ashes and crumbling wood. He watched it for a while, watched the smoke slow into wispy trails of gray, until the rest of the wood turned black, until the lonely feeling, the one he tried to ignore during normal hours of the day, was pressed firmly into the back of his mind, and then he got up and continued on with his day.

 

The next few days were uneventful. Harry did his grocery shopping, he emailed his boss about his leave of absence, and he found a small, black cat hanging around his back door when he was watering his plants. It nudged against his legs, meowing softly, his black little eyes looking up at Harry with something like expectancy, so what else could he do besides let it in and feed it?

So, suddenly, the night before he was expected at Niall’s party, Harry had a new little friend. He pet it gently, cupping its little body against his chest.

“Why can’t you just be my date to the party, hmm?” Harry said, smiling. 

The cat meowed, probably saying something sarcastic about cats and parties, and promptly hopped down from his arms. It then darted out the open kitchen door into the night.

“I think that breaks records for shortest friendship possible,” Harry said to the empty house. “Good job, Hazza.”

Then Harry went through the house to turn all the lights off. He paused in the doorway of his study though, a new idea forming in his mind when he saw the shiny looking laptop resting on the desk. He slowly walked over, trying not to seem too suspicious before realizing that he was in his own house using his own computer, doing absolutely nothing wrong. Legally.

As Harry logged on, he tried not to think about what this would do to his mental state and instead opened Facebook.

He hesitated at the search bar, his fingers hovering over the keys.

“Fuck it,” Harry said and typed in the name ‘Louis Tomlinson’.

An endless list popped up, with endless possibilities. After taking a breath, Harry picked the first one, the one that he shared a good number of mutual friends with. 

The first thing he noticed was Louis’ banner picture. It was of the night sky, bright, distant stars glittering against the black backdrop. Louis’ profile picture was also of space, but this one centered on the death of a star. Harry’s eyebrows furrowed as he struggled to remember Louis ever mentioning an interest in astronomy. 

Scrolling down, Harry looked for Louis’ public personal information. When he saw what Louis’ career was, he almost gasped.

“Astronomy Professor?” Harry said, staring at the words. Apparently he taught at the community college in their hometown, only half an hour from Harry’s own home. It was a nice campus, Harry had heard, and it held some of the best professors and lecturers this country had to offer. 

And Louis was one of them.

Blowing out a slow breath, Harry scrolled down more, looking for pictures while also trying to picture Louis as a professor. He could almost see him, standing in front of his students, smiling and talking about astronomy, that charismatic charm he’d always had capturing and holding everyone’s attention. He imagined himself in that lecture hall, listening to Louis talk, occasionally correcting him if he got the chance-

Harry pulled himself out of that daydream with a start. 

“Pull it together,” Harry murmured, feeling like he was back in highschool again, daydreaming about about blue eyes and a funny laugh, missing school work and forgetting to copy down notes because he couldn’t get someone off of his mind.

Harry scrolled down more, reading the various posts from Louis’ friends, smiling and trying not to laugh when Louis made a particularly funny comment. He was almost relieved to realize that Louis was much of the same as he used to be, at least online. His humor seemed to have developed too, but there was still some of that old charm, Harry could see that even from a few of his posts.

Finally, Harry clicked on the photos, which brought up three albums, two of which were completely full of pictures of space. Harry skimmed through those, most recognizable, others Harry would have had to take a moment to remember what they were. After taking a glance at those, he clicked on the album titled, ‘Me’ and held his breath.

When he saw the first picture, his hand did a sort of muscle spasm that sent the cup of pens on his desk flying. 

He ignored the sound of the cup, banging as it repeatedly bounced against the hardwood. 

The picture Harry had pulled up was a sort of candid of Louis, crouching in the grass, his hands clasped in front of him, a large, crinkly smile on his face. His eyes, the same blue Harry recognized in everything, stared up at the camera charismatically. They practically shone, and Harry couldn’t believe that this was what Louis had grown into.

Suddenly, in a moment of insecurity, Harry closed Facebook. He sat back in his chair, staring at his desktop, waiting for his heart to slow down. As Harry felt the rush of his heart in his veins, he tried to imagine what he would feel like when he saw Louis in person, and then he had to stop in fear of having a heart attack.

Instead, he thought of what Louis might think when he saw Harry for the first time. Snorting, Harry got up, closing his laptop as he did so. If he wanted Louis’ accurate opinion, he’d need to know what he thought of him in the beginning, when they were teenagers. Seeing as he how the only way he’d find that out is if he asked Louis himself, he gave it up before the thought was completely finished. 

It was just such a big  _ change.  _ The last time Harry had seen Louis was at their high school graduation, and even then, Louis hadn’t looked older than seventeen years old. He tried to form an image of Louis now, the one he saw on Facebook, the one with crinkly eyes and scruff and a wider smile. He couldn’t. 

 

_ Harry stood alone and nervous by the back doors of the gymnasium. Every few minutes he had to wipe his hands on the inside of his graduation robes because the nerves he was trying to ignore were making his hands sweaty. He refused to look around, to look at everyone’s excited faces and hopeful eyes and wide, happy smiles. He didn’t want to get swept up, didn’t want to run away with a feeling of nostalgia for a time in his life he doesn’t even want to remember. So he stays in the corner, and he waits until it’s time.  _

_ “Where’s your friend, Niall?” a soft voice asked to Harry’s right. _

_ “He’s not here yet,” Harry said to Louis. “He’ll probably be late.” _

_ Louis hummed, nodding. “So,” he said, and Harry wished he had the courage to joke about the cliches of saying such a small word. “Everyone seems excited.” _

_ Harry shrugged. “That’s expected.”  _

_ Louis smiled. “Are you excited?” _

_ Harry shrugged again. “Dunno, are you?” _

_ “Of course I am,” Louis said after a laugh. “We’re  _ done _ , Harry. We get to leave this place and never come back, who wouldn’t be excited about that?” _

_ Harry offered him a small smile. “I think I’m mostly just relieved.” _

_ Louis cringed slightly. _

_ “Are you going to miss anyone?” Louis asked after a moment, his voice soft and small and insanely curious. _

_ Harry looked at Louis, at his too big robes and his gentle smile and his uncharacteristically kind expression, and shrugged. _

_ “Maybe a few people.” _

_ Louis grinned and Harry, despite being slightly embarrassed, grinned back. _

_ “All right everyone, get in your places!” An adult voice said from the center of the room. _

_ Harry turned to Louis, “I’ll-” _

_ “-see you soon,” Louis finished. He reached out and gave Harry’s shoulder a soft squeeze before he was gone, disappearing into the throng of robe clad students to find his spot in line. _

_ Suddenly, someone blond burst through the back doors to the gymnasium, right next to where Harry was standing. _

_ “I’m here!” Niall yelled, out of breath. _

_ Harry laughed, “You’re late.” _

_ Niall shrugged, and although his cheeks were patchy with red spots from running, he said, “And you’re blushing. Come on, let’s get in line.” _

 

Harry reached up and touched his cheeks, a small smile on his face. He was blushing now, and the only reason he allowed himself to be happy about it is because he was only person who would ever know.

 

The next morning, seven hours before Harry was due at Niall’s party, Niall called him.

When Harry picked up, he sighed, “Are you calling to tell me that another person from highschool I don’t want to see will be coming to your party? Or was that the only way you were going to give me anxiety?”

Niall laughed. “He’s been asking about you, you know.”

“I remember, you texted me that to get me to come.”

“I wasn’t lying.”

“Okay.”

“I wasn’t.”

“I said okay.”

“You say it like you don’t believe me.”

There was a scratching sound coming from the back door. Harry got up from his kitchen table and went to investigate, saying, “I don’t,” as he did so.

Niall laughed again. “You never did when it was about him.”

“Niall, I love you very much, but was there a reason for your call?”

“Yes,” Niall said. “And I love you too.”

“Great,” Harry said, dryly. When he made it to the back door, the scratching growing increasingly urgent, he opened it, and a black shape immediately darted past him. “What do you need?”

“Well, we need chips.” 

Harry’s eyebrows furrowed as he followed to cat to his fridge. He went and brought a bowl down from the cabinet. As he filled it with some of the cat food he’d bought yesterday, he said, “You need chips?”

“Yes,” Niall said. “And I need you to get them.”

“Ah,” Harry said, switching his phone from one hand to the other as he filled another bowl with water. “Did your chip guy fall through?”

“Actually, he did. His girlfriend just found out she’s pregnant so he cancelled for tonight. They wanted to celebrate.”

“Is that what they call it?”

“Good one,” Niall said, and he was only person who ever said that and meant it. “So can you do it?”

“Of course, what kind of chips?”

“Harry you’re the best!” Niall said, gratefully. “ As many kinds as you want, the beauty of being the chip guy is getting to choose all the chips.” 

Harry smiled. “Why your friend backed out of being the chip guy tonight is beyond me.” 

Niall laughed. “I can’t wait to see you again, I miss your little cheeks.”

Harry rolled his eyes. “Niall you’re not allowed to pinch them.” 

Niall made an affronted noise. “That’s not fair!”

“No, Niall.”

“Would Louis be allowed to pinch them?”

“Goodbye, Niall!” Harry said, but heard Niall’s loud laughter before he pressed the ‘End’ button. 

Harry looked down at the kitten, who was contentedly eating his food, before saying, “You can eat him next.” The kitten ignored him.

Harry chuckled and walked into his bedroom, glancing at the closet. After a second of deliberation he sighed and grabbed his shoes from by the door and laced them up. Then he turned all the lights off, gently shooed the kitten outside, grabbed his car keys, and made his way to the store.

When he got there, he realized just how many types of chips there were. He was standing in the chip aisle, tapping the cheap linoleum floor quickly with his right foot, staring at the varieties. He realized then that he wasn’t very interested in chips either, so the idea of “getting whatever kind he wanted” wasn’t as alluring as Niall tried to make it sound.

As he reached up to grab a bag, he heard a light, lilting, soft voice behind him, “I wouldn’t grab those, last I heard that company had them recalled.”

In most of Harry’s reading career, he’d read about situations in which the protagonist was surprised by an event he hadn’t seen coming. The protag would almost always freeze, describing how they could hear their heart in their ears and they could feel all of time stand still. 

Instead of doing that, Harry immediately turned, so vigorously that he knocked a few bags of party size chips off the aisle.

He said, in the face of bright blue eyes, “Louis?”


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

**Chapter 2**

Louis stood there, staring at Harry, a barely contained grin on his face. Harry stared back at him, finally able to see what an adult Louis looked like, feeling his heart rate pick up at just the sight of him. He had so much scruff, and-

“You wear glasses now?”

Harry immediately closed his mouth, embarrassed. His face felt warm and as Louis laughed he thought it must be so warm by now it would spark and catch fire. 

Louis reached up and pushed them back, a subconscious move that Harry couldn’t help but follow. “It’s good to see you too, Harry.”

Harry looked away and, upon looking away, suddenly remembered the chips he’d so unceremoniously knocked to the floor. He bent down and started picking them up, and then Louis was at his side, doing the same.

“Thank you,” Harry said, trying not to make eye contact. Louis laughed softly, mumbling something about ‘being the same’. 

“Your voice is a little deeper,” Louis said as they straightened. 

“A little?” Harry asked, stuffing the chips back onto the shelf at random. 

“Well you’re no James Earl Jones but-”

Harry finally laughed, feeling a small weight he hadn’t known he was carrying lift off his shoulders. Louis passed him the rest of the chips, and as Harry put them back on the shelves, he said, “Your voice is deeper too.”

Louis laughed as Harry turned back to him. “Deeper than yours.”

Harry snorted. “It’s not a competition.”

“You’re right, that wouldn’t be fair to you.” 

Harry snorted again, but it was more of a laugh than a snort, and Harry hoped he would never make such a noise ever again. 

“So, are you the new, designated chip guy?” Louis asked, nodding toward the chips. 

“Niall told you?” Harry guessed, turning back to look at the chips.

Louis nodded, “He did. He also asked me to be the soda guy.”

“He did?” 

Louis nodded. Harry made a mental note to look up how long a murder sentence would be, for future reference. 

“He said you were asking about me,” Harry said, before he could stop himself. Once again, he felt his cheeks start to redden, and he immediately turned his eyes to the chips, concentrating on them with a vigor he hadn’t had before. 

“I was,” Louis said, after a moment, sounding completely unembarrassed. “Not everyone makes it out of this town, you know.”

Harry shrugged, still staring at the chips. “It’s not a bad town.”

Louis chuckled. “It could be better.”

“All towns could be,” Harry said, finally turning back to look at him. Louis looked completely calm, but when Harry turned back, he rolled his eyes.

“I guess it just depends on the people. Quit arguing with me and pick out your chips, Harry,” Louis said, in mock sternness. 

Harry laughed and obliged, turning back and picking chips at random. He dumped seven bags of various chips in his basket and turned back to Louis, who was watching him with a barely suppressed grin. 

“What?” Harry asked.

“You got four bags of the same kind.”

“So?”

“Oh, Harry,” Louis said, and Harry’s heart jumped. “You really are the same.” Then he reached into Harry’s basket, coming extremely close to do so, and took out a few of the bags, replacing them with ones that, to Harry, looked exactly alike. When he was done he looked up at Harry, and Harry suddenly realized that Louis was shorter than him. 

“I’d ask you to help me pick out the soda, but I’m afraid you’ll just grab four liters of Diet Coke and be done with it.”

Harry laughed and shook his head. “I should go anyway, I have more to do before the party.” It wasn’t true, Harry had absolutely nothing to do before the party, but if he spent one more moment trying to behave normally, trying to pretend like his heart wasn’t about to jump out of his chest, he might throw up. 

Louis nodded. “I’ll see you at the party then, Harry. We can catch up.”

“Sure,” Harry said and started backing away, the basket on his arm bumping painfully into his leg. “See you there,” he added before turning the corner and walking as fast as he could without attracting attention to himself. Then he payed for his seven bags of chips, all various flavors, walked out to his car, loaded his groceries, got in, and sped away. He wasn’t sure how long any of these actions took, nor was he really aware of anyone else around him while he was doing so. It wasn’t until he was on the highway that it all came back to him.

When it did, he got out his phone. 

When Niall picked up, he sounded incredibly cheerful. “Hello?”

“I got your chips and also your death wish, so whichever you want first is fine with me. I’d go for the chips first though, the other one might dampen the party.”

“You’re so dramatic.” Niall said, his voice muffled.

“Are you  _ eating? _ ” 

“Yeah, so?”

“I am going to kill you.”

Niall laughed. “No, you’re not. So, how’s Louis?”

“He’s-”  _ Perfect. Gorgeous. Soft. An adult.  _ “-that hardly matters. Niall, why would you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Niall I swear-”

“Harry!” Niall said, loudly after a laugh. “I just wanted you two to see each other again, that’s all.” 

“I thought we were going to see eachother at the party?” Harry asked as he turned into his driveway. He kept the car on, talking to Niall through the car’s speakers. 

“You are. But I needed chips. And soda.” 

Harry sighed, “You didn’t even warn me.”

“It wasn’t that bad, was it?”

“No,” Harry said immediately, tilting his head down to look at his hands. “It wasn’t bad at all but-”

“Did you embarrass yourself?”

“What do you think?”

“He didn’t notice,” Niall said, and Harry could almost see him waving the idea away. “Or if he did, he thought you were cute.”

“He didn’t.”

“Fine, he thought you were an embarrassing mess who shouldn’t even be seen in public.”

“Niall.” 

“Harry, lighten up,” Niall said, trying no to sound too harsh. “He’s just an old friend from high school. He means no harm.” 

Harry sighed, knowing Niall was right, knowing it shouldn’t be as big of a deal as he was making it. But it  _ was _ a big deal to him. He didn’t think anyone really knew how big of a deal it was. 

“You’re right,” Harry said, even though he knew he wasn’t. “It wasn’t embarrassing, I just didn’t know what to do.”

Niall made an understanding sound. “Did you let him pinch your cheeks?”

“I’ll see you at the party, Niall.” Harry hung up to the sounds of Niall’s loud laughter.

After getting out of the car, and deciding to leave the bags to save a trip, he went inside, a tiny black kitten at his heel.

“We’re friends now, then?” He asked the kitten, who had appeared out of the shrubbery.

The kitten meowed in agreement and Harry laughed, leading him inside. He looked at his watch as he did so. Five hours until the party. Harry didn’t know how he was going to spend the time, but as he dropped his keys into the blue bowl by the door, the picture of Louis, standing there in the supermarket, shorter than him, eyes blue as the sky, he realized it would be spent thinking about Louis.

“He just looks so much  _ older _ ,” Harry said to the kitten. He sat down in his armchair, scooping up the kitten as he did so. In response, the kitten started licking himself. As Harry looked down at the kitten, he realized what he was wearing.

“Great,” Harry groaned. He was wearing dark grey sweats and a white t shirt that wasn’t really white anymore. His hair, which was short and hadn’t been combed, was sticking up in all directions. He knew he must look like he just rolled out of bed.

The kitten meowed, probably saying,  _ You had just rolled out of bed _ .

He didn’t need to know that, though, Harry thought. Harry tried to recall what Louis was wearing, but realized he couldn’t remember. All he could picture was Louis’ face, his blue eyes, his glasses, and Harry’s panicked face reflected in them.

Shaking his head, Harry continued to pet the kitten, gentle laughs and kind eyes running through his mind.

 

Harry stood at Niall’s door, the bags of chips in both hands, feeling like he was at the edge of a very tall cliff. His heart, which hadn’t slowed down since he started his car, was beating so hard it was creating a dent in his chest. He had the urge to run his hands through his hair, but seeing as he had just styled it, and as his hands were preoccupied, he settled for the sweaty fists they were in now. 

Before he could knock, the door opened, a blond head and large grin peeking out from behind.

“Harry! You brought the chips!” Niall said, opening the door wider.

Harry stepped in, handing Niall the chips. “Wasn’t I supposed to?”

Niall laughed. “And you brought the sarcasm, perfect. Now it’s a party.”

Harry chuckled, shrugging off his coat to put in the coat closet. 

“Is he-”

“Louis isn’t here yet,” Niall said, leading Harry into the kitchen. “You’re the first one, actually.”

Harry nodded, “Need any help?”

“Actually yeah, that’d be great.”

For the next hour and half, Niall and Harry decorated. Harry was in charge of streamers and ribbons, Niall took care of the cups, balloons, and the alcohol. 

“Who was the alcohol guy?” Harry asked as he pinned some white streamers to the ceiling. 

“Me,” Niall said as he arranged the various bottles on the bar. “Don’t trust anyone else.”

Harry smiled, cutting off a piece of tape. “Very wise.”

“Thank you. Now come help me with kegs.”

Harry nodded and followed him, lending a hand to carry them in. When they had placed them where Niall wanted them, they moved to the chip table, filling the bowls with all the chips Louis had picked out.

“Good choices,” Niall commented. “Louis helped?”

“He thought I lacked variety.”

“Good thing he was there,” Niall said, to which Harry snorted. 

When everything was done and ready, they sat down, a can of beer each, and hung out until everyone else started to arrive. Harry asked Niall how his knee was and whether or not he still liked accounting. 

“Of course,” Niall said, tipping his beer froward. “Calculating numbers for some of the richest companies in the world, and getting paid for it too will never get boring.”

Harry nodded, taking a sip of his beer. “You always liked numbers.”

“I love numbers,” Niall said, with such sincerity that Harry was jealous, knowing he’d never loved his job as much as Niall seemed to love his. “They just make sense, you know? Probably like how you feel with photography.” 

Harry forced a laugh, taking another sip of beer to avoid answering. “Anyone special in your life?” He said, trying to change the subject.

“No, you know me,” Niall said. “I’m not interested in any of that romantic stuff.”

“Sex?”

Niall shrugged. “Not that either.”

“So, you’re asexual?” Harry asked. 

Niall looked away, thoughtfully before saying, “Sure, that seems like the right word for it.”

“Nice,” Harry said, bringing the beer can to his lips. 

Suddenly, the doorbell rang. 

“That’ll be Louis,” Niall said, jumping up much in the same way that Harry’s heart had just jumped in his chest. “Be right back.”

Harry stayed in his seat, trying to force his heart rate to go down and the nervous ringing in his ears to stop. He couldn’t do either, especially not in the seconds it would take for Niall to greet Louis and lead him in, so he settled for trying not to be too obvious about his anxiety.

In a flourish, Niall was back in the kitchen, Louis at his heel. They both had their arms full of soda, multiple leaders clutched against their chest, some dangerously close to falling.

“Here,” Harry said, rising. He grabbed two of the liters in Louis’ hands, smiling politely. 

“Hey, Harry,” Louis said, handing them off. “Thanks, those were heavy.”

Harry nodded and placed them on the drink table, taking a moment to organize the rest of the bottles, mostly trying to stall for time as Niall and Louis continued to chat behind him. In a few moments however, all the bottles were arranged completely to his liking, so Harry had to turn back to face Niall and Louis.

As Harry turned back, he made a mental note to actually notice what Louis was wearing this time. When he did, he wished he’d just left it alone and stayed blissfully ignorant, like a normal, heterosexual man would have. Instead, he had to see the tight fitting blue jeans Louis wore, cuffed at the ankles, hugging his legs in a way that made Harry feel like he needed to look away. He had to see the shirt, a black button up whose sleeves were cuffed at the elbows, see the way it hugged his chest and his tiny little waist, and he had to feel the way such a sight would make him feel. 

Feeling Louis’ eyes on him, Harry looked up. “I like your tattoos,” Louis said, nodding at the Harry’s arms.

Harry smiled. “I like yours too,” He said, and he did. They were random, and some a little weird, but Harry liked the way the ink framed his arms, liked the way they made him look. As he glanced down again to look at them, he suddenly remembered a moment in highschool when this exact topic had come up. 

 

_ Harry sat with Niall under their favorite tree, the one whose branches were long and thick and whose leaves created a beautiful ceiling of green that let light shine down in the most beautiful yellow waves. They spent most of their free time at school here, because it was quiet, and because Niall knew Harry hated being seen by other people.  _

_ “I like this one,” Niall said, pointing at the small screen. “It looks dangerous.” _

_ Harry laughed. “It only looks dangerous if you look like that.” Harry pointed to the man’s muscles, trying to pretend he didn’t like the way they looked in his shirt. He hadn’t told anyone yet.  _

_ “You’re right, I don’t look dangerous enough,” Niall said, swiping to the next one. _

_ “If you got a tattoo you might.” _

_ Niall laughed, swiping more. They continued to look at tattoos, mostly for Harry’s enjoyment because Niall knew he wanted to get as many as he could someday.  _

_ “Hey, I have to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back, okay?”  _

_ Harry nodded and took his phone back, watching as Niall rose and headed off in the direction of the bathrooms before he bent down over it again. It wasn’t long though until a large shadow fell across him.  _

_ “What are you looking at?”  _

_ Harry looked up, squinting.  _

_ “Oh, sorry,” Louis said and sat down next to Harry. Harry watched him, slightly suspiciously. He remembered the previous week, when Louis had taken the time to walk with Harry to his class and look at his astronomy books. It had been simple and innocent and Harry hoped Louis meant much of the same this time, but he never knew.  _

_ “So, what are you looking at?” Louis repeated, smiling. _

_ Not knowing what else to do, Harry passed him his phone. Louis looked at it, his eyebrows shooting into his hairline.  _

_ “You want to get a tattoo?” He asked.  _

_ Harry nodded.  _

_ “What for?” _

_ “For fun?” _

_ “Interesting.” _

_ “What?” Harry asked, suddenly on the defensive.  _

_ Louis shrugged and Harry searched his face for the joke that he assumed Louis would say, but was surprised to find that the only thing on Louis’ face was polite interest.  _

_ “I just never thought you’d want one, that’s all.” Louis said. _

_ Harry locked his phone, stuffing it in his pocket. “Well, you don’t know me very well.” _

_ “I’d never get one,” Louis said, as though he hadn’t heard Harry. He looked at him then and Harry immediately looked away, embarrassed and uncomfortable with Louis’ eyes on him. With a sigh Louis rolled to his feet.  _

_ “I’ll see you later, Harry.” _

_ Harry watched as he walked away and then stopped a few feet in front of him. He turned back, a curious look on his face. “If I got a tattoo, would you like me more?” Louis asked. _

_ Harry, surprised by the question, answered it without thinking. “Probably.”  _

_ Louis smiled and inclined his head before turning back around and strolling away. _

 

Harry looked at Louis again, making eye contact, wondering if he remembered, if he was thinking the exact same thing Harry was. He hoped he did.

“Here ya go,” Niall said, handing Louis a red cup. 

“Thanks, Niall,” Louis said before taking a sip.

There was a knock at the door. 

Niall smiled. “It’s showtime, boys.”

As more people started arriving, Harry and Louis seemed to somehow be pulled in opposite directions. Friends Harry hadn’t seen in years were suddenly intent on reconnecting, and as they pulled Harry away to talk about his amazing job as a photographer for the National Geographic, more old friends pulled Louis away to catch up with him as well. It was tedious, Harry thought, having to talk to all these people he only used to talk to once in a while, even when they went to the same school. It was even more tedious considering the fact that all Harry wanted to do was have a moment alone with Louis.

Time moved quickly though, somehow. One moment, he was telling an old neighbor how much he was making, disregarding the initial rudeness of the question, and in the next, it was an hour until midnight and the party was in full swing. 

Harry looked around as his friend moved off, having seen someone they knew. Everyone was drinking, except for Harry, who had still only consumed one beer during the whole evening, and almost everyone seemed to be completely plastered. There were people on tables, singing karaoke, there were people in the T.V. room, arguing about what to put on, some people had even brought out Niall’s old board games to play with, creating new and improved versions in which they got incredibly drunk. 

Through all of this, Harry hadn’t gotten to talk to Louis once, save the conversation they had at the start of the night. As Harry walked through Niall’s house, checking each room for Louis, scaring a few people in the process, he realized the irony of the situation. Four hours ago, he was dreading seeing Louis again, and now, all he wanted to do was find him.

After half an hour, Harry gave up, and instead went to the kitchen to get some chips. 

As he was gathering a large handful of doritos onto his plate, he suddenly heard a chorus of, “19! 18! 17!-”

“Already?” Harry said, turning. He peeked through the throngs of people into the living room, seeing the rerun of the ball about to drop in New York, and felt his stomach drop with disappointment. 

He turned back to gather more chips, trying to pretend like it wasn’t the new year, like his year hadn’t been one of the lonliest in his life, trying to pretend like he wasn’t the sad, depressing guy he felt like he was.

When the chorus reached 10, he felt a tug on his sleeve.

“Louis,” Harry said in surprise, turning. 

Louis grinned, setting his drink down on the chip table. He set it down so hard some alcohol sloshed out of the sides, and Harry had to reach over to move it a couple inches to the left so it wouldn’t fall off the table.

“So considerate,” Louis slurred as the chorus reached 7. “You always have been.”

“Thank you,” Harry said, reaching for another handful of chips. “You look drunk.”

“I am drunk!” Louis exclaimed. “I am so so so so  _ drunk _ !”

Harry laughed. The chorus was now at 4.

“That’s great, Louis.”

“Isn’t it? I mean, I could do anything.”

“Sure you can,” 

“I can even do this!”

The clock struck twelve, everyone yelled, “ONE” and Louis grabbed Harry’s arm gently, tugged him around, and pulled him into a kiss. 

At first, Harry froze. As he saw Louis draw nearer, as he realized what Louis was about to do, every single cell in his body shut down. And then, when his lips touched Louis’,  everything woke up again.

As Harry kissed Louis, as Louis kissed Harry, Harry felt a sudden burning inside of him he hadn’t felt in years. As his lips slid against Louis’, their noses bumping awkwardly, Louis’ sweet, alcohol tinged breath mixing with Harry’s, Harry felt something inside him drop and settle, something heavy and sweet and reawakened.

They pulled away, Louis giggling, Harry’s heart beating wildly in his chest.

“Happy New Year,” Harry said softly, staring at Louis.

Louis giggled louder. “I’ve always wanted to do that, even when we were young.”

“What?” Harry asked. “What did you say?”

“You heard me, pretty boy!” Louis said, jumping. “Pretty boy,” he repeated, giggling. 

Harry rolled his eyes, taking Louis gently by the elbow. “Come on, please.” 

Louis let Harry lead him into a spare, empty room, mumbling the words ‘pretty boy’ under his breath. He sat him down on the bed and stepped away, holding one hand out. “I’m going to get you some water. Please stay here.” He paused to let Louis confirm that yes, he would stay put, but when he started mumbling more about ‘pretty boys’ he just sighed and walked out. 

He walked to the kitchen, his heart pounding in his ears with a loud ringing sound to accompany it. As he brought down a glass and filled it with water, he went over Louis’ words in his head.

_ I’ve always wanted to do that _ .

The words rang in his head, bumping around and opening new doors he thought were locked. He carried the glass of water back to Louis, a weird gloomy feeling settling over his shoulders.

Thankfully, Louis was still in the same place Harry had left him. “Here you go,” Harry said, handing him the water.

“Thank you, pretty boy,” Louis said before taking a large swig. He made a face, scrunching up his nose. “This is not alcohol.”

“No, it is not,” Harry said, settling into the arm chair by the bed. “It’s water.”

“Water won’t get me drunk.”

“You already are drunk.” 

Louis scoffed, “Not drunk enough.”

“How drunk would you like to be?” Harry asked. 

Louis laughed, and although he  was drunk and giggling, it sounded ironic rather than happy. “I want to be drunk enough to forget my feelings for you.”

Harry froze, staring at Louis with wide eyes. “Feelings?” 

“Yes, Harry, feelings. You have them too, don’t you?”

Harry opened his mouth to reply, stung by the brevity of his words, but found he didn’t have anything to say.

“Always so serious,” Louis said with a frown, reaching over to pinch his cheeks. 

Harry let him, still in shock. “Louis, do you really have feelings for me?”

“Feelings!” Louis exclaimed, falling back dramatically. “I  _ knew _ you had them. I knew you felt things. But you were always so  _ serious _ , you know? Always reading and writing and looking up at the stars. “ Louis sighed. “I wish I were a star.”

“Why’s that?” Harry forced out.

Louis turned to look at him. “Because then you’d look at me.”

“Very deep,” Harry said without thinking. 

“And then there’s the  _ sarcasm _ ,” Louis said, falling back again. “I love it, but I can never tell when you’re serious.”

“I wasn’t, just then.”

“I  _ know _ , Harry,” Louis said and sighed. “I was mean to you.”

It was another one of those moments, ones he seemed to be having a lot of tonight, where Harry felt speechless, frozen, unable to speak. 

Louis continued, “So were my friends. They were always so  _ mean _ . But they were just jerks. Do you know why I was mean to you, Harry?”

Harry shook his head, staring.

Louis sat up and bent over, coming close. “Because I liked you,” He whispered before dissolving into giggles and falling back onto the bed.

It was a moment before Harry could stand up, but when he did, he knew it was only the anger that fueled him. 

“I have to go.”

“What?” Louis asked, his laugher ceasing immediately. “No, Harry, don’t go-”

“I’ll let Niall know where you are. Do not drive, okay? Do you hear me, Louis?”

“Yes, I hear you, please don’t go-”

“I’ll just give Niall your car keys,” Harry said, shaking his head. 

“Harry-”

“Bye, Louis.”

Harry then opened the door and walked out, his ears and neck red and his hands clasped tightly in his pockets. After notifying Niall, and dodging his worried questions, Harry walked out, went to his car, and sped down the highway to home.

 

The next morning, when Harry was trying to forget what had happened, an unknown number called his phone. He sighed, pressing the ignore button before setting it back down on the counter. His new kitten, which had followed him in again last night, looked up at him curiously. For once, Harry had nothing to say. 

And then his phone rang again. Glaring, Harry picked up the phone, pressed accept and said, “Hello?”

“Harry,” a relieved voice said. “It’s Louis.”

“Louis?” Harry asked, looking at the clock. Seven in the morning. “Why are you up? Don’t you have a hangover?”

“Yes, of course I do, but that’s besides the point. Harry can you meet me somewhere?”

“Right now?”

“Yes, if that’s okay.”

Harry glanced at the kitten, who was sitting patiently at his feet. His eyes simultaneously said,  _ Say yes _ and  _ Get me food.  _

Harry went for the former first, “Where?”

“Where is best for you?”

Harry sighed, wanting to cut the pleasantries and politeness with a huge pair of rusty scissors. “There’s a starbucks near my house, we could go there.”

“Perfect, what’s the address?”

Harry rattled off the address before Louis said, “Great, see you there.”

Harry took his phone down from his ear to stare at it, the END CALL message blinking up at him. 

“Great,” He said as he went to fill his kitten’s bowl with food. 

 

Harry walked into the Starbucks feeling like a soldier about to go into battle. As the warm atmosphere and ground coffee smell greeted him at the door, he took a deep, grounding breath, trying to steady himself. And then he saw Louis and it all went crashing down.

Louis, who was sitting at a corner table, jumped up, two drinks in his head. Harry walked over slowly, his hands in his pockets.

“Hey Harry, got you a tea.”

Harry took it. “Thanks.”

It was silent.

“Well, should we sit?” Louis asked, gesturing to the table. 

Harry nodded and slid into the seat, setting the cup of tea down in front of him. Then he looked at Louis expectantly. 

“First, I want to apologize,” Louis said, leaning forward. His eyes, blue and endless, stared up at Harry apologetically. 

“You don’t have to,” Harry murmured, taking a sip of his tea. 

“Don’t do that,” Louis said, looking pained.

“Do what?”

“Brush it off as if it were nothing.”

“Isn’t it?”

Louis leaned back, hurt. “Harry.”

Harry sighed, looking away. “What do you want me to say?”

“Nothing now. I just want you to listen.”

Harry looked back, saw Louis’ face, saw the genuine, earnest feelings he displayed there, and nodded.

Looking relieved, Louis said, “I’m sorry, Harry. I shouldn’t have told you about my feelings the way I did. I was drunk and a mess and I know I didn’t make much sense-”

“You made perfect sense.”

“I told you to be quiet.”

“Sorry,” Harry said, and, despite the situation and the mood, had the sudden urge to grin. To suppress it, he took another sip of his tea.

“Anyway,” Louis said, looking as though he were holding back a smile himself, “I shouldn’t have said any of that last night, not there, not then. I was just drunk, and all those feelings had been piling up for  _ years _ , and when I got drunk it just seemed like the best time for them to come out.” 

Harry looked at him silently. 

Louis sighed. “You can talk now.”

“I didn’t know you were gay,” Harry said. It was the first thing he thought of, the first thought he had at the back of his mind when Louis was kissing him.  _ He’s gay and I never dared to believe it. _

Louis nodded. “I am. I’ve known it since high school.”

“Wait,” Harry said, bringing a hand up. “You’ve known since  _ high school _ ?” 

Louis nodded, cringing, seeming to follow Harry’s train of thought. 

Harry snorted. “Well I sure didn’t know about myself. In fact, the only hint I might have had is when  _ your _ friends were calling me a fag because I liked astronomy. Remember that?”

Louis’ face went white. “I do.”

“Me too,” Harry said, angrily. “So you knew that whole time, and didn't say anything?”

“Harry I couldn’t just come out-”

“I’m not talking about that,” Harry said, waving it away. “You have a right to come out when you want, we all do. But if you knew how you felt, if you knew you were gay,  _ why _ did you let your friends pick on me like that?”

Louis sighed, shaking his head. “Harry, I’m sorry, I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to fit in-”

“So did I,” Harry interrupted. “And your friends made it a lot harder.”

Louis continued to shake his head, that pained look back on his face, “This wasn't’t how this was supposed to go.”

Harry kept going, ignoring Louis, “Just because you weren't- you weren't  _ confused _ about your-”

“You think I wasn’t confused?” Louis cut him off, his voice rising. “We were in  _ high school  _ for Christs sake, Harry. There wasn’t a person there who wasn’t confused about who they were, including me.”

“Then why did you pick on me?” Harry asked, his tone abrasive. “Why did you have to make it harder?”

“Because you were the one thing I wasn’t confused about,” Louis said to which Harry snorted. “I didn’t understand anything about who I was, about what I wanted, but I knew I wanted you, and  _ that _ confused me. That confused me because I was supposed to be confused about it but I wasn’t and-”

“You're rambling,” Harry whispered, his hands shaking.

“I’m sorry,” Louis said, just as quietly. “Harry,  _ I’m sorry _ . I’m sorry I made highschool harder for you, I’m sorry for getting drunk and  _ telling you _ about my feelings, I’m sorry I dragged all of this up in the first place. Harry, I’m really sorry.”

Harry shook his head, feeling so hurt and then guilty for being hurt that it was starting to become overwhelming.

“I can’t believe you did this to me, again.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Made me confused.”

“I’m _ sorry _ .”

“Made me  _ like you.”  _

“Harry?”

“Made me  _ want you _ .”

“Harry!” Louis said and Harry looked up, his cheeks pink. 

“Don’t pretend you didn’t know then,” Harry whispered. “Don’t pretend you don’t know now.”

“I didn’t,” Louis said, eyes wide. “I don’t.”

“I have to go,” Harry said, rising. 

“Harry, wait-”

“Just let me think,” Harry said, his eyes on the door. “Leave me alone for a while and let me think.”

“Okay,” Louis said, and Harry didn’t turn to look at his face as left. 

 

Louis let him think. He had no other choice, really. The only way he could contact Harry was by phone, and, thankfully, as Harry went about the rest of his day, trying to ignore the anger and frustration piling up in the back of his mind, it remained silent. He had secretly hoped it would ring, secretly wanted to talk to Louis again, to try to understand, to forgive, to forget, to reconcile. But every time he thought that he remembered his anger and Louis’ friend’s faces as they picked on him, and he forgot about the urge and continued on with whatever he was doing.

By the time evening came along though, he realized he really did want to talk to Louis. So, without thinking about why he was doing it or what it would mean when he did, he picked up the phone, and called him.

Louis answered on the first ring.

“Are you okay?” He asked, anxiously, foregoing the ‘hello’ altogether.

“Yes, of course, why?”

“I just-” Louis said, then stopped. He tried again. “I didn’t expect a call from you.”

“Can you meet me? There’s a park by my house, it’s nice during this time of year, all the kids will be gone too seeing as how it’s eight at night so-”

“Where is it?” Louis asked, sounding like he was trying very hard not to laugh. 

Blushing, Harry gave him his address and then the directions to the park from his house. 

“That’s an interesting way of giving directions,” Louis commented.

“Okay, well its the only way I know how to get there so-”

“I was kidding, Harry. I’d love to meet you there. Did you want to meet right now?”

“If that’s okay.”

Louis did laugh this time. “Of course, I’ll see you in a few.”

“Okay,” Harry said before hanging up. He stared at his phone for a moment before he ran to door, grabbed the coat he left in a crumpled heap, scooped up his keys, locked his door, and then he was gone, walking the short distance to the park.

When he got there he sat down at one of the benches that sat in front of the small pond, his foot tapping quickly against the grass. He looked at his phone every thirty seconds, checking how much time had passed and seeing if Louis had somehow gotten a call in between Harry’s vigorous phone checks. 

Ten minutes later, someone sat down next to him. 

“Hello, Harry,” Louis said softly. 

Harry looked over, saw Louis’s body was scrunched up against the cold, his hands shoved deeply in his sweatshirt pockets. 

“Hi, Louis.” Harry replied. “I’m not sure what I want to say yet.”

Louis nodded, sitting back. “That’s okay. ”

Harry nodded and they lapsed into silence. Harry let it hang, let the moment free of noise be suspended while he thought, while he tried to find something to say that wouldn’t sound completely corny and stupid. 

“I’m sorry,” Harry said. “I shouldn’t have walked away like that,”

“You don’t have to be sorry,” Louis said. “ _ I’m sorry _ -”

“Louis, please don’t.”

“Harry-”

“It feels like you’ve said sorry a million times by now.” Harry said, still not looking at Louis.

“I feel like I haven’t said it enough,” Louis said, sounding like he meant it.

Harry laughed softly. “That probably means you’ve said it enough.”

It was silent again. 

“Look,” Harry said, turning to Louis. “I feel like we have a lot to work out, you and I. There’s a lot of-” He paused, looking for the right words. 

“Resentment?” Louis offered.

“That,” Harry said nodding. “And anger. And confusion. And maybe more. I don’t know, I haven’t thought about it much.”

“I have,” Louis said, and Harry sighed.  

“Yeah,” Harry said. “Yeah, I have too.”

They stared at each other then, the cool night air making the tips of their noses red and their eyes glossy. 

“Where do we go from here?” Louis whispered. 

Harry bit his lip. “We could go back to my house? Talk where it’s warm?”

Louis nodded, his eyes lighting up. “I’d like that.”

“Well good,” Harry said, standing up. “Let’s go then.”

Then they walked to Harry’s house together, leaving Louis’ car, leaving the cold night air, leaving the anger and resentment and confusion behind, at least for the moment.

 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That ended on a promising note lmao. For real though, thank you so much for reading! I know the ending is very loose and open to interpretation, but thats pretty much how I wanted this fic to end. However if you anyone wants a sequel or a part 2, I would be more than happy to do it. Just let me know! Post a comment, give me kudos, tell me what you think!   
> Thanks again for reading!


End file.
